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5 Things that scared the shit out of me after becoming a parent


Becoming a parent has opened my eyes to all of this world’s unpleasant realities. It has made me a better observer of situations, surroundings and behaviors. It has forced me to realize how truly untapped I was before! Now, stop. I am not saying that people who do not have children are untapped. But I bet they’re having a lot of fun right now not worrying about the shit that I worry about on a daily. These are just some of the things that I've become afraid of, coincidentally, after becoming mom. Deal with this, I dare you.


1- Scary ass movies. 

Not just the movies- I won’t even touch them- but the movie trailers! 
Making matters worse, my husband shares the fear. It has become a real skill trying to divert our children’s attention from scary TV. Our voices get louder. We clap and wave our arms. We make stupid requests like, “whoever can pour mommy a glass of milk the fastest gets a sticker!” Anything that will buy us some time to turn the channel. For a while, we used to say that we acted like this because we didn’t want the kids to have nightmares. But after we got real with ourselves, its because we have truly lost touch with thrill seeking, scary fuggin movies. I remember a time, very long ago; when I would get a group of people together on Friday the 13th just to watch Friday the Thirteenth! No more, my friends. Spoiler Alert: After kids, you are scared of scary movies. Move along, “Rings.” Sayonara, “Bye Bye Man” (Stupid movie title, btw), Not happening in this house.

2- The Ocean. 

There is a reason why “something fishy” is a term used to describe an uneasy feeling about a situation. After becoming mom, I have developed a fear of all things that maintain life in aquatic environments. You can’t see what’s going on under that water that you’re so unsuspectingly frolicking in. Have you seen Shark Week? Doesn’t that frighten you? Frightens me. That’s why the ocean has made number 2 on my list of things that started to scare me after becoming a mom. Pre MomStatus, I’d probably argue that the ocean was a place to reflect and be free. This does not mean that I’m not brave! I am a great mom. In fact, I may even put my fears aside so my children can experience the beach while we drive past one on our way to an indoor amusement park... which also, by the way, scares the shit out of me.

3- People. 

Have you ever been waiting in a grocery line with your cart full of adorable children and behind you is the 50 something year old man, buying beer and a paper? Yeah, he might be minding his business, but all of the sudden he makes eye contact with baby kid. Out of kindness, he smiles. That's it. I'm fucking creeped. I have never been so skeptical of human beings until I became a parent. I don't care what you look like, where you've been, the amazing things other people can say about you... I am looking at you like you have an agenda and I'm preparing an exit strategy. Just recently, I circled a parking lot with my cart and kids in tow until a person who high- fived my son got into their car and left- just to avoid being followed. I got pulled over by a cop once because I was driving erratically and turning without using directionals. I had this trooper convinced I was being followed because I truly believed it! You know what though? I still believe it.

4- High Altitudes. 

List to include: Planes, Roller coasters, Flights of stairs, Couch, and so on. If their feet are not on the floor, ground level- I'm a nervous wreck. Quite frankly, if my feet are not on the floor, ground level- I'm a nervous wreck. What happened to me?! I went to London (pre-kids) and took a ride on the world's largest Ferris wheel- like a boss, and all of the sudden I can't even look over a railing without yelling for assistance. My kids stand on their bed and I lose my mind. I mean, what if they fall on their comfortable cushion top Serta mattress? I'm a fucking whack job.

5- My overactive imagination. 

I think after having kids, I've developed some kind of hormonal imbalance that will have me automatically jump to conclusions about why my kids are acting a certain way. Kid gets off the bus crying because he has a belly ache. So naturally I ask, did someone try to hurt you? Where were you sitting? Who talked to you? Could your bus driver see you the whole time? This is absolutely insane. But unless that kid has diarrhea, I'm not happy. I am convinced that he is hiding something from me! Who knows what lengths I'll go to in order to rectify my imagination. Who's door will I have to knock on? Whose parents will I be unleashing fury to? I've looked into body cams. Seriously. I scare myself. 


And there you have it. I hope you sleep well tonight. We all know I won't.




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